Personal Space

Am I the only one who does NOT like massages? A stranger rubbing their hands on my body just isn't my idea of a good time. Relaxing? I think not. All I can do is worry about whatever zits I might have on various body parts, or what if I suddenly have to fart?

I would not mind a massage from DH, I'm sure. But I'm afraid that no one else on the planet has leave to touch my person.

I've actually had 3 massages in my life, and while I wasn't totally traumatized by any of them, I also didn't just dissolve into a pool of bliss that left me pining for a weekly appointment with a local masseuse. I politely endured each one, trying desperately all the while to focus on the pleasant sensations my muscles were feeling, vs. the personal space violation that my brain was screaming about. It was a struggle each time.

I also have a hard time with any kind of assistance in personal grooming. This includes haircuts, manicures, pedicures, dental cleanings (or any kind of dentistry), and eye exams. I do force myself to endure the dentist and the eye doctor...I do want to keep my teeth, and I do enjoy seeing things. But the other stuff is unnecessary--based on vanity only. I can probably count on two hands the number of times I've had a professional haircut (and yes, my appearance reflects that, but I don't really care.)

I went through a fake nail phase for about 8 weeks. For much of my younger life, I tried to maintain long, painted claws. I was pretty good at it, too, if I do say so myself. I'd file and polish a couple of times a week because I couldn't stand any of the nails to be uneven, and chipped polish was right out. Then, in my early 30's I started to study karate, and long nails became a thing of the past (you can't make a decent fist with your own claws digging into your own palm). But 7 years later, we moved from Seattle to Santa Fe, where there was no good karate school, and so I stopped practicing. I was also pretending to be Career Woman, and so I bought a bunch of suits, got a professional haircut, and went to a salon to get some of those fake nails that are/were all the rage. At first, I enjoyed my new claws, and had a refill done after a couple of weeks, and then had them re-done completely after another couple of weeks.

But the experience was to be short-lived. You see, even though the salon person was only touching my hands (and so my personal space-o-meter was not sounding the alarm), she made the mistake of commenting on my cuticles. Her English was not the greatest, but I could still easily understand that my cuticles were out of control and completely unacceptable, and she would be unable to do the fake nails again unless I first had a manicure.

I interpreted this as a personal insult and took great offense that this woman felt free to criticize me in any way, shape, or form. I left the salon and never went back.

I've had parallel experiences with almost every hair stylist I've encountered. They invariably feel free to make suggestions for my appearance ("Gel in curly hair is really in style now!") or my grooming habits ("This style will only take 5 minutes a day to blow dry...surely you can spare that?") Or they don't understand my hair, which is fairly curly, but also very fine. They see the curls and think there is more mass than there really is, so they hack it all away, and I'm left looking like a complete pinhead.

I've never tried a pedicure because let's be honest...if I'm going to start feeling vane about something, it's probably NOT going to be my feet. Trust me, I have bigger fish to fry in the area of appearance.

Now that I'm 45 and really indulging in the whole "one of the benefits of growing older is that I can stop being even remotely concerned about what other people think of me" thing, here are some my thoughts on my appearance:

1) Hair: It's always going to be about shoulder length, and when the ends get too scraggly, I will trim them off myself. My hair is curly enough to hide any uneven cuts I make, so why pay a stylist to perform this service? For the privilege of hearing comments that are only designed to errode my self-esteem and make me feel even more dependent upon others to provide me with a socially acceptable appearance? Ah, no. My hair is also going to go gently into its natural shade of gray. If I go gray now, I figure that for the next 15 - 20 years, I will constantly look as if I'm about 55 years old. While that's kind of a bummer now, when I'm not that old, I'll be reaping the benefits for many years after I am that old. See, I'm planning ahead.

2) Nails: Since polish won't last more than 3 days, I choose to forego it comepletely. I'm defaulting to my karate nails. Trimmed short, filed round.

3) Teeth: They will be clean. My gums will be maintained. And no, you new dentists, hygenists, periodontists, or anyone else looking into my mouth for the first time, I am NOT going to fix the spaces between my teeth. Thirty plus years ago, when I was in junior high, I would have given anything to get braces, and I would have cherished my resulting Crest smile. I did, in fact, suffer considerably because of what I perceived to be the fatal flaw in my appearance. The sad truth is, when you're the youngest of 9 children, and your father works in a paper mill earning less than $20K per year, and your family doesn't have dental insurance, you do not get to spend the $1100 it would have cost to fix your teeth, no matter how sad this makes you, no matter how much it might affect your fragile childhood self-esteem. But, those days are over. I am 45, for doG's sake. I have been happily married for 20 years. I have long since learned to smile freely, openly, and without reservation, flashing my spaces for all the world to see. Am I now, for no apparent reason, supposed to subject myself to the pain and suffering (and cost) of braces? Heh. Right.

4) Body: I am out of shape, and this bothers me less and less for appearance's sake, and more and more for functionality's sake. I can't run as far as I used to, I get winded going up stairs, and my knees are breaking down. If I want this body to last another 40 years (which is not at all unreasonable in my family), I need to keep all the functionality that I possibly can. Losing the extra 20 or so pounds that I'm carrying around and getting strong again are my priorities.

I like knowing that, aside from teeth cleanings every 6 months, and eye exams every 2 years, I don't have to let anyone touch me. Well, except for DH...and that, of course, is a choice I make very happily. Because he's a nice man. Because he would never make an unkind comment about any part of my person. Because my whole self--brain and body--agree that it feels good when he touches me.

Our Sorry-Ass Front Yard

Three years ago, we moved back to the Pacific Northwest after a 4 year exile in Santa Fe, NM. I couldn't handle all of that sunshine and brown, dead crap everywhere...give me gray and green! I was so excited that I'd be able to have a gorgeous green lawn again.

Fast forward to the present.

We have the crappiest lawn on the block.

We have moss.

We have thatch.

We have anything but a lovely green lawn.

We've also got a rosebush run amok.

And a very lopsided Daphne (but the smell is still amazing!)

And so, DH and I have started the yard reclamation project. We have started raking out the moss...and let me tell you, that's a real fun job. Oh yeah.

Check back in a year for what are (I hope) absolutely STUNNING "after" shots.

Baking Low Carb

Yesterday was low carb baking day at Casa Canis. All recipes were, in my opinion, wonderful successes, and I shall be eating well this week! It's also fun that many low carb baking options are gluten free...which is a boon to my DH, who has a gluten intolerance (Celiac Sprue).

Coming from the oven, we had:

Vital Wheat Gluten Loaf

(Obviously, this is the exception to the gluten-free comment I just made.) For this one, I started with this Flax/Vital Wheat Gluten Loaf recipe: http://www.lowcarbrecipes.org/index.php?m=recipes&a=view&recipe_id=27. But I made some modifications...4 large eggs instead of 5 medium and almond meal instead of flax meal. It is good, but as you can see, came out pretty flaaaaat. It's a little eggy tasting, too...but honestly, not too bad. It is definitely more bready than many egg-based low carb baked products I've tried. Next time, I'm going to double the recipe, so that it makes a larger, more normal sized loaf. I may also use less egg, and maybe a bit more of the flours. A work in progress, this is still a very nice bread-alternative. Last night, I had a few slices with a yummy spinach dip, and this morning, I had two toasted slices spread with peanut butter/chocolate yumminess (recipes below).

Cheesy Garlic Crackers

The starting recipe was http://lowcarbdiets.about.com/od/snacks/r/flaxcrackers.htm (I honestly don't know how I'd live w/o About.Com). The modifications I made on this one (partially inspired by one of the reviewer's suggestions) were: almond meal instead of flax; Asiago cheese instead of Parmy; 1/2 t. garlic powder instead of 1 1/2 teaspoons; and did not grease the parchment paper. Perhaps it was the almond meal's fault, but when I mixed in the 1/2 c. water, it was extremely soupy--the recipe talks about rolling this out (and the reviewer refers to rolling the mixture into balls)...well, there was no way to roll the glop that I'd created. So, I splatted teaspoonfuls of the mixture onto the parchment paper and then patted them into 1/8 inch thick circles with my fingers. They only needed to bake for 12 minutes, so as the recipe suggests, don't set the timer for the full 15 minutes and then walk away...keep an eye on them for those last 5 minutes. Crunchy and satisfying, these are REALLY tasty. DH downed quite a few of them by just compulsively popping them into his mouth. A+++ on the snack-o-meter.

Sugar Free Coconut Macaroons!

By now, you might be very surprised to hear that I followed the actual recipe, as is! (Hey, I'm capable of recognizing perfection when I do see it.) Again, from About.com: http://lowcarbdiets.about.com/od/desserts/r/locarbmacaroons.htm. The only comment I have is that I did use powdered Splenda, which made the comments in the recipe regarding sweetener and water a little confusing. I believe I was following the directions by mixing the 1 c. Splenda in with the coconut, and using 2 T of water. Also, I must just have really LARGE eggs, because I easily had 1/2 c. egg whites from 3 eggs...so that's all I used. Okay, so I lied. I didn't follow the recipe blindly. But only a fool does that, anyway.

Spinach Dip: http://lowcarbdiets.about.com/od/snacks/r/spinachdip.htm. On this one, again a few modifications. Because I really wanted to simulate the old Knorr Swiss soup mix recipe for Spinach Dip, I did take the option of using mayo for 1/2 of the sour cream; I added 3 T. of chopped sweet onion and a can of water chestnuts, chopped up; then for seasoning, I followed the OR option (because I don't have the patient to order or find Penzey's Buttermilk Ranch)...the only change I made to the seasonings was to cut the onion powder down to 1 t. (because I'd put in the chopped onion already), and for the powdered herb option, I just used poultry seasoning. This dip turned out very well--very close to the Knorr Swiss recipe that I know and love. The only change I'll make for next time is to cut back some (I'll have to experiment with how much) on the mayo/sour cream b/c the dip ended up a bit soupier than I'd like...even though I did squeeze out the spinach and patted dry the water chestnuts very thoroughly.

Peanut Butter and Chocolate Yumminess Spread: this is my own creation, so far as I know. I was trying for some delicious, bonbon-like peanut butter balls, so I mixed together 1 c. natural (no sugar added) peanut butter and 1 c. powdered Splenda, + 1/2 t. vanilla. My plan was to roll this into little balls and then coat them with cocoa powder. However, as anyone who's worked with natural peanut butter knows, the batches can be inconsistent. Sometimes you get a jar that, once mixed, congeals nicely in the fridge...while other times, you can end up with slop. Well, this jar was of the slop variety, so there was NO WAY this was rolling into balls. So I took about 1/4 c. of cocoa powder and stirred it into the peanut butter mixture (slop), stopping when it looked attractively swirly. I had no idea what to do with this slop until this morning, when I felt in my soul that it would make a delightful spread for my Vital Wheat Gluten Loaf. And I was right. Much happiness at my breakfast table this morning. A spread is born! Fans of Nutella, take note.

I HEART Almond Meal!

I went on my first real diet when I turned 30. I had gained 30 pounds, which put a total of 147 pounds on my 5'4" frame. I was shocked and appalled (which seems kind of quaint to me now, 15 years later, given that I'd love to get DOWN to 147...but more on that later). So I joined Weight Watchers and followed their program to the letter, and within 6 months, I'd dropped 27 pounds.

I kept that weight off for 7 years, but not because I practiced good eating habits. No, during that time I became a Vegan, and so simply by virtue of limited food choices, I didn't pig out as much. No more doughnuts in the office, no more diving into co-workers' birthday cakes, etc. I also started studying Karate, and so I indulged in extremely intense workouts 4 - 5 times a week. I gained some weight, but it truly was muscle: I weighed 127 pounds, but I could fit into size 2 pants. I was in heaven, eating all the Vegan food I could find, building more muscle than most people use in a lifetime, and being thrilled each day by my powerful little body.

But after 7 years, my enthusiasm for Vegan food waned. My enthusiasm for Karate disappeared. I got a new job with more responsibility. Then a year later, we moved 1200 miles away, to a whole new part of the country. More stress, a much harder job, completely unrestrained eating, and no exercise program to speak of made me yo-yo up to 170 pounds.

I was shocked at how difficult it was to control myself. The desire to eat and the sheer volume of calories that I could easily pack in was alarming. I would always feel hungry, I would always have an irresistable desire to eat. There was no processing it, no getting around it, no letting it wash over me, no distracting me from it. The best I could do was hold my breath, and of course, that didn't last very long. Soon enough, I'd be overwhelmed by the thrashing, scream-from-the-depths-of-my-soul desire to eat...eat with no restrictions, eat without end. I decided to count how many calories I was consuming on one such day, but I stopped (counting, not eating) when I reached 3500. What on earth was wrong with me? How could someone my size have the need--and that's what it felt like, a NEED, not a want--to eat that much food? Not finding any answers, I would wrap myself in warm, fuzzy denial, and keep eating for six months at a time. Then I'd swing back around to accepting the true need to DO something about that, and start the cycle all over again.

Oddly enough, the yo-yo-ing (while having the dual benefits of being unhealthy and discouraging) was extremely instructive to me. In trying several of different diets (Carbohydrate Addict's Diet, Weight Watchers again, South Beach Diet, and then just plain Low Carb), the success I found was temporary, but the knowledge I gained was permanent. I learned that my irresistable desire to eat was caused entirely by carbohydrates...and not just bad carb's (white sugar, white flour, processed crap, etc.), but even the good carb's, as described in South Beach. I was actually surprised to discover that on a true Low Carb diet, I was able to lose weight while being physically satisfied. No more flailing about in frustration with unsuccessful attempts to suppress an appetite gone mad.

BUT, there was trouble in this paradise. Where were the baked goods? The only low carb flour I was aware of at the time was Soy, which I do not like (perhaps I filled my Soy punch card by being Vegan for 7 years.) I could stay on Low Carb for a while, eating dairy and low carb veggies and meat and sugar free jello, but eventually I would want a muffin for breakfast, or a quiche with a pie crust. I would get bored. I would feel, this time mentally, deprived.

But recently I came back around to being "up for" another crack at losing weight. I figured I'd start with Low Carb, since that was where I'd had my most recent, most promising success. Could I solve the baked goods snag? Hurray! An internet search for Low Carb recipes introduced me to my new best friend: Almond Meal.

Ahhhh, my lovely Almond Meal. With you, I can have my cake and eat it, too. In the last three weeks, I've had cheesecake bars, muffins, quiche...and I've lost 6 pounds. I'm giddy. I'm gleeful. This could last.

I know that I still have to find a way to live in this world filled with office birthday parties, dining out, and holidays. I know that it's unreasonable to think I'll forego all carb's forever. So I still have to tackle the "keeping it off" part of this equation; however, in the past 8 years, I've not even been able to get my arms around the "getting it off" piece. Until now. Until my darling Almond Meal.


My favorite quiche recipe:
http://www.recipezaar.com/88539


Using this crust:
(Note: this is a sweet crust recipe; for the quiche, I left out the sweetener and added 1/4 t. salt. I did not bake the crust first--I simply patted it into the pie pan, then added the quiche ingredients.)
http://lowcarbdiets.about.com/od/desserts/r/almondpiecrust.htm

Sheila Calculates Probability

Sheila, our 8 year old 99% Australian Shepherd, sits in the living room with her eyes fixed on me; however, her ears are at high attention, monitoring every sound that comes from the kitchen. She is calculating the probability of getting a treat. I can practically hear the numbers crunching through her head...I can see the stat's running with every twitch of her ears and every roll of her eyes.

She whines. You can see her dilemna: I'm sitting on the couch, eating yogurt, while DH is in the kitchen fixing a snack of his own. Our three other dogs, who never get tidbits from me while I'm on the couch and who therefore know that I'm a lost cause, are busy tracking DH's every move. Sheila, on the other hand, does occasionally get to lick my yogurt bowl clean, under very special circumstances...when no other dogs are around, and when I'm feeling particularly soft-hearted. Because she is my special girl, and I like her to know that.

But I'm not a sure thing, and she knows that, too. Likewise, she knows that DH is a sure thing. Has that man ever left the kitchen without first dispensing treats to each dog? I think not. If that were to happen, we'd probably have a riot on our hands. He's a given, a 100% sure score, so Sheila isn't just calculating the probability of getting a single treat--she's figuring whether or not she can end up with treats from both me and DH. If she can just hold out long enough, she knows I'm liable to crack.

Her eyes are open so wide that I can see white all around her irises...that's a rather intense look for a dog. It makes me laugh. It makes me love her all the more. I lower the bowl to snout level, and she makes very short work of it before dashing into the kitchen.

I swear, if she could play craps like she plays me, this dog could take it to Vegas.

Dog Training: My First Lesson in Operant Conditioning

It's 1998, and I'm in my kitchen trying to teach the Down command to my 11 month old Keeshond puppy girl, Peeka. My experience at this point with dog training is typical of most people's: almost non-existent. I teach Sit by pushing the dog's butt down, and then giving a treat when the butt hits the ground. I teach Down first putting the dog in Sit, and then luring them to the ground with a treat. I've only owned dogs for about 9 months, I've only tried to train one other dog, and I've never taught any other commands.

But my method is not working with little Peeka. When I try to lure her into a Down, she puts her nose to the ground to follow the treat, but her butt pops back up in the process. I try another method: pulling her front legs out from under her...but no success there, she only wants to play-bite my hands.

After far too many attempts with both unsuccessful methods, my back hurts from bending over her, and I'm frustrated and sweaty. She's confused, but hopeful (I'm still holding a treat, afterall.) I straighten up to stretch my back muscles into a normal human posture, and then I stand completely still for a moment, just looking at Peeka, just wondering what to do next.

Peeka is looking at me in return. She knows there is still a treat in my hand. She is trying to think of some way to get it from me. She starts with the obvious (to her): she puts her front paws on my belly. But this method is unsuccessful--I merely turn away from her and mumble "off" (a command she does not know). So she tries something else.

Little Peeka, mixing resignation with an invitation to play, splats herself down onto the floor.

But she's a quick little thing, not one to linger. She's up off the floor in a heartbeat. Because I'm still not responding the way she would like, she cycles through those behaviors again...just because it didn't work once, doesn't mean it won't work a second time, dang it! This time when she splats down onto the floor, I notice that she is--for one fleeting fraction of a second--doing exactly what I want. She's in a Down. And then...poof, she's not!

I hold my breath, hoping she does it again. This time I will be ready. I get a Sit. I get jumped on. And then, I get the splat-down! My hand swoops in, depositing the treat into her little pink mouth. Woo-hoo! Let's do that again. Let's do that a few more times. She does! I start saying Down as she's splatting. We're both excited and happy. She smiles and so do I.

Six years later, I will begin to learn about Operant Conditioning, Clicker Training, Shaping, and Positive Reinforcement from some very knowledgable sources. But I'll never forget the day that little Peeka gave me my first lesson.